I don't Save the Best for Last Anymore

The corner piece of square deep-dish pizza. Nestled in the box all saucy, perfectly browned and beautiful. Pepperoni looks crispy, with that naughty little bath of pooled oil glistening in the light of the kitchen. My plan of attack was to bite into the hot, saucy, cheesy love and conquer most of the middle, leaving the perimeter of burnt cheese and crust. Burnt cheese and crust was the second best part of the pizza. I would work my way around each side, leaving only the burnt pepperoni hiding in the very corner of the square. The best bite. The previous bites seemed to have been a memory as they had merely been obstacles, an exercise to overcome so I could finally arrive at holy grail of bites. Perfectly crispy pepperoni on top of perfectly burnt cheese. The crust, met with a crunch, then macerated into a soft pizza masterpiece. Ah, satisfaction.

Not anymore. I am full after proofreading the first paragraph. Gastroparesis causes my stomach to feel full after only one or two bites of food per sitting. Click on the link for a medical explanation, but in laymen’s terms, the valve which empties the food from my stomach into my small intestine is paralyzed, or at least partially so. The condition is caused from damage to the Vagus nerve (the longest nerve in the human body). So, even when I am absolutely famished and I feel ready to eat the entire elephant, my stomach seizes up after only a bite or two. I try to sneak in a third bite before the devil sees me, but I almost always get caught. Anticlimactic!

I should clarify. I am having a good day if I can eat two or three bites of food per sitting. There are days when I can only accept liquid and even that hurts. Gastroparesis is painful. I will only speak for myself: the pain can possess my entire being, sending swarms of stinging, writhing heat from my sternum to my toes, gripping my abdomen and back like a thick, taut, suffocating band. Folks, I have it easy. Most of my fellow warriors vomit frequently as well. I have gone through phases of vomiting but fortunately for me that isn’t a regular occurrence. Whether weight gainers or weight losers (such as I) we are collectively dehydrated and malnourished.

There is nothing “regular” about this disease. Aside from constant discomfort, no two days are alike. A few days ago, I could enjoy peanut butter. Now, peanut butter becomes a melting burn into my stomach. Oddly, I can accept that. Foods which I used to love, I look at now and think, ‘maybe I could tolerate a bite of that. Probably not.’ Take out menus have become my new porn. Sometimes I fill my Door Dash cart with crepes from Leondro’s, a hot dog and fries from Portillo’s, a massive platter of loaded nachos from anywhere…as I sip my protein shake and close the app. I’m okay with my new reality because even though my days can be a struggle, learning my limitations allows me to function. Although, I’m rather glad that I didn’t know sooner. Knowledge would have prevented me from enjoying so many wonderful meals. I’ve had the privilege to dine at some of the finest restaurants on the planet. My best times have been the moments spent in my apron, cooking up love, feasting with family. Those may always be my favorite times. I know there will be many more family meals and I can still cook, just not with the reckless abandon of yesterday.

There seems to be little known about Gastroparesis. The only advice my doctor gave me was “Eat small meals. You’ll be fine.” I asked if there were any restrictions and he replied, “No, just eat small meals.” I tried eating small meals. I had smoothies for breakfast (as was common), a salad for lunch (also common) and a sensible dinner which, aside from the rare occasion, included vegetables. I learned via a Google search that raw vegetables are one of the worst things I can eat. Actually, there are more foods that I cannot tolerate than foods I can. Through seemingly divine circumstances, I was invited to a Gastroparesis support group online which has been a font of knowledge and kindred companionship.

I am very blessed. I have the most beautiful people in my life to support me. My partner gives me comfort. Even once ibuprofen and alcohol could no longer mask my symptoms (and create their own) he is holding my hand. Comfort is what I want for everyone who suffers with this wretched, incurable illness. My products will be available soon and when they are, a portion of proceeds will go towards Gastroparesis research and care for those afflicted. Because I am otherwise healthy, I have the strength to take on the challenge of promoting awareness. Many people with GP suffer more than I do. Many folks have additional ailments as well and are far too sick to carry out a meaningful job. Even on good days, there can be a general feeling of malaise. Before I begin vending, I will announce where the proceeds will specifically go. Honestly, I am not aware of an actual foundation for Gastroparesis research specifically. My primary focus is healthful nutrition and all around comfort for those who endure their days and nights with Gastroparesis.

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